Hey guys/gals/humans

I am extremely upset this morning so I will use this blog to rant ATM.

So my parents got into a huge fight last week. Like, it was really big and it started Thursday night (of last week/8-ish days ago). They fought and fought, and it lasted longer than I was awake for. I put in my earbuds and laid down because it had been a school night and it was almost midnight. They didn’t seem to be stopping any time soon.

So, I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning, and in the few moments when I was still waking up, I forgot about the fight. That is, until I heard more yelling. They were, of course, still fighting, and from the looks of it, my mom slept on the couch in the living room. They yelled, didn’t even acknowledge me (or my brothers), so I had to help them get ready for their bus to come. My bus is usually really late, as you will see further in this post, and so I went outside (it was just above 12 degrees out) and waited for the bus so I could avoid hearing them yell. Well, that didn’t help either because I went to our driveway, and could still hear them yelling. My bus eventually came, it was late and I had been outside for nearly 15 minutes, but I was just glad to be able to not hear their argument.

Throughout the school day, I got to hang out with my friends and was able to keep myself distracted by talking about joining my school’s color guard. I eventually forgot about it, and I am glad that I did because it was like I just…escaped my worries with my friends. I am so thankful for my friends, I truly am. They may not always know about situations like this, but they find ways to keep me happy and laughing and I couldnt ask for better people to know and be friends with. I love them so so much.

But ~ I get home, and it is quiet. The silence was deafening and im pretty sure my mom was in her bedroom. I walked to the end of the hall to go to my room, and my dad was laying down in my brothers’ room. There was a fan on, so that must have meant they were both sleeping. I go to my room and the rest of that night I spent reading my friend’s blog posts and listening to music (really loud). I had my brothers stay in my room, which is small. Like, I can lay on my floor and be touching the side of my bed and my closet door at the same time. Anyways, we spent all night hanging out in there, I was chatting with my friend and my brothers were drawing.

That whole weekend, I didn’t see my dad once. The last I saw of him (awake at least) was Friday morning, and the next time I would see him would be around Monday or Tuesday morning. I saw my mom, but she was in bed mostly. They were sick (and weren’t talking to each other either), so they stayed in bed. That whole weekend I had to take care of my brothers. I had to make sure they brushed their teeth, did their homework, and even cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Well, it’s happening again. Last weekend was hell, and they have started the same argument. I can’t go through that again. I don’t want my brothers to see them fighting, and while I did enjoy being alone in my room most of the weekend, I hate it when they fight. And its the stupidest stuff too! It is something that I could get over in a few hours. It wasn’t even that big of a deal. But there is like…2 parts to the argument? And the 2nd one I despise. So so much. I don’t like my parents for it, and it has caused so much destruction in my non-immediate family that we haven’t been to my cousins’ or relatives’ birthday parties in about a year. I haven’t seen one of my favorite aunts for longer, and I just hate it so so much. I can’t wait to move out. or anything. I just want to get away.

And every time they argue I get all sad. They have gotten a divorce before, and I am the only one of my siblings who remembers what happened. It like…scarred me. It left me with so many bad memories and I had tried to do anything to make it go away. To stop the fighting. but I would get yelled at about how I am a child. How my opinion is not relevant and how I should mind my own business, even though it had been taking a toll on me for so long that I wanted to die. I am so glad that I didn’t, and I promise anyone out there who is struggling, it is not worth it. It might seem pitch black like there is no way out, but there is always hope. always. I believe in you guys, you have so much potential, and if anyone here (or anyone you know) is struggling with this type of stuff, please find help. It can be anyone, someone on the internet, a counselor at school, any adult you trust, just find help. I will always be here for any of you guys, by email (or submit a form on the other pages). Never – EVER – attempt to take your life. Please.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I have gotten yelled at this morning for trying to help, and they just took it out on me and… I’m stuck. I feel like I’m going back to how I was last weekend, and I don’t want to do this. I got so depressed that I didn’t leave my bed on Saturday. I can’t, don’t, want to do that again. and I know I can make that decision, but the yelling and fighting and overall tension are unbearable and it makes me want to throw up. I’m sorry this is so long, I just don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I don’t want to get sad again, I just want to be in a better mood, I can’t take the fake smiling for my friends, lying to them about how I feel, I can’t do it anymore. I have talked to a counselor but they don’t help. They always have something else to do or focus on the wrong things and they just suck for me to deal with. I want to scream.